How can I be thankful for so many great things in my life during the day yet spend the night fighting over my self-truths..

I spend every waking moment pretending I am not broken anymore… Or Maybe it is every moment keeping myself broken..

At this point am I choosing to be these things or am I them because I let them happen to me. Can I even control them or change them?

At points in life It seems like things are so uncontrollable. Even if I wanted to change life’s course it isn’t wholly up to me. It is up too all the other people in my life. I only have control over my reactions to the changes in my life and the changes come every day in ways I’d never expect.

I want to stop.. I want to find some magic drug to take the self unworthiness away.. I want to Know on all levels that I am worth the world.. Why do I need to hear it from a peer that loves me? It’s like this one thing in life turned out to be a lie and now I am on a hunt to find someone that can truly feel that way about be.

I have stopped trying to fight the changes in my personal life and maybe that’s where my problems come from.. I walk though that part of my life waiting for others to lead..But at the same time every time I start to step out of this box of self protection and take lead I freak out and mess everything up…

So I write these words blaming the world’s problems on myself… Come to realizations about myself at times and other times just standstill of self doubt.. Then cry myself to sleep wondering if it’ll ever make a difference.

In the end I am living up to DR Laura and My Father’s Wishes. I am Not dating while my son is still in the house… I just wish it wasn’t like I was choking on screams all the Times..