I want so much from life but I am just treading water. I just don’t understand how life just keeps happening to me.. At what point did I stop making it happen?


I was once a 13 year old that fell in love with a boy that was all wrong for me.. I made life happen for us.. Even Keep Flames on Fire.. And let them cool when it became too intense for my little heart to handle… Then I handled the heartache that came with the death of that love..

I was once 15 and realized life was short and I needed it to move fast so I changed it up. At 16 I was living away from home enrolled in college and in love again.. I had a Job, checking/savings account, a 3.86 GPA .. I worked for it with all my blood, sweat and tears, and for years it was everything I wanted…


Once I was 23 and like now my Son is my only Love, I had a career I loved and I worked for it to the point of exhaustion. I could picture a future there I had never seen as possible for myself before and I truly realized how luckily I was in life.


Now I lay here starting over again at 25 luckily I have this little man in the other room that I love with all my heart but that I am unable to show him truly how much because everything is so up in the air.. He senses this stress.. He knows nothing is right anymore.. And I Pretend.. But my clay masks of Happiness keep creaking, the patches are awful and my life as always is filled with hidden self destruction..


Maybe the happiest time in my life was also the most saddest.. I was just 22… I had such a full life.. I was going to church 2-3 times a week.. going to the gym 3-4 times a week and working 40 hours a week. Dominick was happy and healthily still. I felt great physically and as long as my mind was off my marriage failing it was great.. Just left my husband and met up with a man.. He was the most handsome man I had ever made love to.. the only man besides my husband.. I told him I didn’t want anything more then just friendship.. I was moving because of the divorce… But in the end I realized I wanted more and it was to late..


Is it that I am 25? That I have reached a quarter of a century? Or is it that I base so much of my self value on how much money I bring in and how much love I give, on how much I provide to another? And Now I Can’t do any of that for anyone but my son.. I want to show him how to have a happy relationship.. I want to show him how to be happy with someone for the rest of his life not How To Survive Alone..


And That need scares me at the same time.. Because no one seems to need me..