Well,
I need to be busy... The busier the better.. It has been so long since my life was truly full. and I'll never find that perfect balance again.. How do I know? Because for the last 3 years I have been looking. Under rocks, Behind locked doors, in empty hallways, All I catch is heartache.

When happiest I had filled my Life with work, my son, church, gym, writing and dog. Not to mention enjoying my new found freedom. But I did it all knowing in my head that I was young, cute, sexy, confident, smart, worthwhile, a rock under pressure yet still fragile under it all. I embraced the idea of dating. I had never done it before, had no clue what it was about. Dating turned out to be crap. and my daydreams of finding a man that valued me, that loved me the way I could love him, that wanted to share a life together become of so clear and fantasy.

Fast forward 3 years, I have lost my job. I find that I was funneling all my energy into something that I truly thought would never leave me. My career but here I stand alone again. Only this time... I don't have enough to fill my mind.
My Son takes more energy then ever , this becoming a normal part of life. My dog, I replaced *sigh* The Gym.. I can only look back on the days I had a membership with envy.. Church.. I don't pray to god at times like these. It would be false to return to church now that nothing is going right. Give me some trees and a hike to find my center again... Writing.. It has all but fled to the far reaches of my mind. Nothing has turned out like I had planed when I was 16. 9 years... All the things that can happen to a person in 9 years.. why am I the only person in the world that doesn't want to spend the rest of life actually alone. Maybe I am the only stubborn one still weakly struggling against the bonds of loneliness.

So I have come to a cross road. I left college to get married and bare my husbands son at 17. 25 now I am finally at a place where I can't accept that I might end up with a dead end job forever just to pay the bills. So I am looking at schools... wondering if driving to Portland each day would be insane.. Wondering if I still have the smarts to read a college level book.

But then there is so much I can do...
Should I finish getting my AAOT in Business, Should I become a dental hygienist, a pharmacist , a paralegal... All of this I'll hopefully be working part to full time and juggling my son and Dog.. Busy enough too not think about the things I feel like I need in my life.