So after 4 interviews and even the start of a background check I got a call that they went with someone else. I was so excited to have finally found a job. It is really disappointing.. The say 1/2 million Oregonians are on Food Stamps and the unemployment rate for Nov was 8.1.. That was 7.6 in September.. I project it'll be 9percent for Dec. I hate being one of those... I am about to apply at a fast food place.. I mean I didn't even get picked up by target for the holiday season. It is so hard to think about only making min wage... Key Bank was only 10 an hour... At this point is using all my unemployment up worth trying to wait until I can get a decent paying job... I mean how is any Single Parent Live off anything less then 12 an hour? I know I am doing it now but I also don't pay rent and I want to be able too..

Click the Photo to Link to the Pictures

Kristen Beaty Photography

Visit her site at www.kristenbeatyphotography.com

So I finally fall asleep at 2am... Just to be woken up at 340Am but a weird noise from the basement.. "Oh Shit" I think.. A pipe must have cracked.... So I get on my shore and shuffle down the stairs to find the condensation pump on the furnace is going.. But is has been running forever and it is still full... So I get dressed and crunch my way to the pipe out side.. Frozen.. So at 4am I am running a hair dryer out my sons window to defrost the line... At 5am it is unfrozen and I go in to shut his window.. which is also frozen and breaks on it's way down because the seal is frozen the pressure of my hand against the glass pushes it out of the frame on one side it stuck on all the other sides and cracked... So then at 5am I am using a circular saw in the basement to cutting wood. I got the prefect cut the first time!

Click the Pix and be taken to Our Christmas Photos as of so far and some of tonights snow!

Christmas 2008

So there is a sneak peak of some of the photos we had taken today on http://kristenbeatyphotography.com

So I have started the background check process with Key Bank but have been warned I still might have to do a interview with the DM. I know my B/G well be fine. I past the one at Verizon and it can’t be any worst at Key. But it makes me nervous because I worked for myself and then as a contract Sub for daycare's for some long.. Hopefully it works out.. I faxed of my Release today..

Dom has been sick. I toke him to the Dr today and guess what.. He says I should celebrate the cold because it means he’ll be stronger against colds later.. LOL Then he tells me No cold Meds work and they actually proved 6 years ago that they hurt more kids then helped and only starting pulling them off the shelves last year.. That explains why I couldn’t find anything..

He says one thing that does work is putting Vicks on the Feet then putting on your socks when sleeping.. That this well help his chest.. I never think of Vick because we never had it in the house growing up. My sister is allergic to it.. So I decided If Vicks is the only thing I can give him; I well.. I know the Pharmacist by name.. Because it is mine and she knows my face.. she see’s it enough … I ask her about the Vicks on the feet and she says She does it and also puts it on the chest and nose and It helps so much.. CRAZY… But that I shouldn’t get it at Target I should go to Wal-Mart where the bottles are bigger..

So we are trying that tonight. I’ll let you know..

So I had my 3rd interview with Key Bank… And Oh my was it great! I was so amped up.. and I didn’t get the coffee till after. I aced it. At the end the guy says I can’t say this but you well be hearing from us about interviewing with the DM… they even ask me of the three shifts they are hiring for which ones do I want in order.. Then as I leave the lady I was interviewing with says… “I don’t know if your really this good or just coached” “I say “Oh No I have had a job for 2 years so I haven’t had to interview.”

So I left got my coffee.. I stop at ToysRUs.. Wonder why? LOL anyways I was then super amped I think I forgot to say de-cafe.. It was such a great day. I went home and toke this Picture of myself because I realized getting my clothes ready that NOTHING fits… My old work clothes are all 16’s and some 14’s… Well I am down to a 12.. I did manage to find a pair of 13 and a belt and a LG shirt that I bought just in Aug… and it is an inch too big.. Got to LOVE it..

Then I get the dog and we go get Dom.. My Grams calls to invite me over for steak.. LOVE Her!.. And when I hang up I get a Call from Key Bank .. Asking me to fill out the second step of the interview process and then call him back tomorrow.. OH MY!! I mean this is only a part time job but it is a JOB.. It’ll pay some bills while I am going to school… Yeah! So we take the dog to the Minto Brown Island Park where me and Dom rode bike back when I had a way to get our bike there and he goes nuts.. It is way to much for him and I start training all over.. It’ll take time..

Dinner was great.. My dad was in town so I got to see him during a work week.. The Dogs did great together AND.. Dominick even ate his steak.. LOL

I Added more candy canes. I think we are done now.

moar funny pictures

I was reading back and noticed that I didn't mention how good Dominick's School Conference went. We had to rush there because the night before we had been out of town borrowing a truck to help a friend move. We ended up being the only people that showed up and it toke 3 trips.. and 12 hours.. Since we didn't start til 3pm we weren't done til 3am. We had to wait for my Step dad to be off work to borrow his truck. Poor Dominick he was tired and starving and there was nothing to eat at 3 am.. We ended up crashing on the floor getting a couple hours sleep then heading home at 5am. It was better with a little sleep behind me before the drive.
So We got home and went back to bed for a bit. Got up in a fevered lack of sleep rush.. the one you get in when you only have 4 hours of sleep.. well basically 2 2 hour naps.. Or less.. We got to the school about 15 mins early. Dom had a lot more sleep having never woke up even when switching back cars..
So we sat down in front of the teacher.. Dom still eating. And She Read us the report card. They Don't grade in A B C D F they have + or - and E S I E= Excellent, S= Satisfactory Improvement needed... (I might be messing something)I volunteer at the school so She points out when she tests the kids and starts reading his report card. He is getting S- in about every block and the main grading he is getting I. He is in Second Grade and reading at a first grade level. She goes on to say his Math is at 2nd grade level but he rushes though it so much he is still S- and a I overall.. This is disappointing because that was his best subject last year and she doesn't spend near as much time on it as the teacher did last year. On Writing she says he is at grade level but he also rushes though that and he draws more then he writes, also he writes run on sentences and needs to be writing a story now. so it is again a s- and an I. So overall she says she has seen great improvement over the last 2 weeks sense he started new meds. And that He has been doing a lot better but the report card is older then that.
So then we talk with the Teacher that is working and checking him out for IEP Ind. Education Plan. They have been doing testing for a while and Dominick has enjoyed it. I think that is funny. Anyways. She says that is Math is Above Grade level. And that his Reading and Writing are Below. They Also do an IQ test which is 1!02... His Processing Speeding is holding him back at 88. Normal is 100. His Perceptional Reasoning is 112. His Math reading and language are somewhere in between. Anyways his Teacher was impressed. The IEP Teacher says we can set up classes and plans to help him now that we know what is holding him back..
I look at my little Boy. This is the best Report Card he has ever gotten. And his teachers all sounds so hopefully with the future. I say "Dominick this is a great report card and as long and you keep trying hard I think you can have a Fantastic one by the end of the year. and we can Frame it. You think you can keep trying?"
I had tears in my eyes and was so happy when he said yes.

So Yesterday I made my first trip into the Shopping world that is the weekend after Thanksgiving as a shopper. Normally I am working. So we got up and went over to visit my mom then went to target with my mom and step dad. Then we head to a couple different stores. Just to run back into my parents at my Lowe's, I was looking at lights. It turned out to be a great time. All the lights where 25% off. So I got 10 boxes of lights for about 2.25 a box. We spent about 2 hours outside getting the lights up on the roof. I even had a neighbor come over and do the A on the roof for me.. She offered. I was commenting that I was scared of it.. It was such a help. She was great. Doesn't the house look good?

So this Morning I am resting in bed not wanting to get out.. and the neighbor that helped me yesterday comes to the side door.. She says there is something on my Front Door.. I go there and Open it and Find 3 roses.. No Note.. No one around but the neighbor who swears it wasn't her.. I call my dad it wasn't him.. I call my mom it wasn't her.. I have no clue where these things came from... My Dad Suggests my EX.. But I have moved and just about no one knows where I live now.. He says if anything else shows up I'll be getting a handgun for Christmas..

How can I be thankful for so many great things in my life during the day yet spend the night fighting over my self-truths..

I spend every waking moment pretending I am not broken anymore… Or Maybe it is every moment keeping myself broken..

At this point am I choosing to be these things or am I them because I let them happen to me. Can I even control them or change them?

At points in life It seems like things are so uncontrollable. Even if I wanted to change life’s course it isn’t wholly up to me. It is up too all the other people in my life. I only have control over my reactions to the changes in my life and the changes come every day in ways I’d never expect.

I want to stop.. I want to find some magic drug to take the self unworthiness away.. I want to Know on all levels that I am worth the world.. Why do I need to hear it from a peer that loves me? It’s like this one thing in life turned out to be a lie and now I am on a hunt to find someone that can truly feel that way about be.

I have stopped trying to fight the changes in my personal life and maybe that’s where my problems come from.. I walk though that part of my life waiting for others to lead..But at the same time every time I start to step out of this box of self protection and take lead I freak out and mess everything up…

So I write these words blaming the world’s problems on myself… Come to realizations about myself at times and other times just standstill of self doubt.. Then cry myself to sleep wondering if it’ll ever make a difference.

In the end I am living up to DR Laura and My Father’s Wishes. I am Not dating while my son is still in the house… I just wish it wasn’t like I was choking on screams all the Times..

I am Thankful for my Son, His improved health, My Supportive Family, and My Wonderful Friends…

Update


So I am getting super excited about school… I can hardly wait. I have to make a trip to Portland to get my birth Certificate because in order to do my testing at school I need an ID with me new last name.. Well my Old one which is my New one.. and in order to get an ID I need to get my Birth Certificate, My SSN Card, My Certified Court papers, and my out of state drivers license which has my old name..


Which I am thinking about “Losing” Because It is the only thing that says my old last name on it.. And why should I have to turn it in anyways? I mean I won’t be able to use my debt cards or anything.. What would you do?


I got my Laptop.. Me and Dom have been fighting over the PC for Months.. Not that he can use it for very long but when I worked, we’d be coming home at the same time and wanting to both use it.. That is fixed now.. LOL.. I already have everything installed for school.. Yeah.. It is Pretty Like me ;-P



Life has been turning.. Slowly..



Tomorrow I’m going to see Twlight with my Mom and then have a early thanksgiving dinner with my Aunt, Uncle, Mom, Step Dad and Dominick. Dominick is really excited because he misses my Uncle.


Next week is School Conferences and Dom has the whole week off. I'll have to take him to wonderland..

I want so much from life but I am just treading water. I just don’t understand how life just keeps happening to me.. At what point did I stop making it happen?


I was once a 13 year old that fell in love with a boy that was all wrong for me.. I made life happen for us.. Even Keep Flames on Fire.. And let them cool when it became too intense for my little heart to handle… Then I handled the heartache that came with the death of that love..

I was once 15 and realized life was short and I needed it to move fast so I changed it up. At 16 I was living away from home enrolled in college and in love again.. I had a Job, checking/savings account, a 3.86 GPA .. I worked for it with all my blood, sweat and tears, and for years it was everything I wanted…


Once I was 23 and like now my Son is my only Love, I had a career I loved and I worked for it to the point of exhaustion. I could picture a future there I had never seen as possible for myself before and I truly realized how luckily I was in life.


Now I lay here starting over again at 25 luckily I have this little man in the other room that I love with all my heart but that I am unable to show him truly how much because everything is so up in the air.. He senses this stress.. He knows nothing is right anymore.. And I Pretend.. But my clay masks of Happiness keep creaking, the patches are awful and my life as always is filled with hidden self destruction..


Maybe the happiest time in my life was also the most saddest.. I was just 22… I had such a full life.. I was going to church 2-3 times a week.. going to the gym 3-4 times a week and working 40 hours a week. Dominick was happy and healthily still. I felt great physically and as long as my mind was off my marriage failing it was great.. Just left my husband and met up with a man.. He was the most handsome man I had ever made love to.. the only man besides my husband.. I told him I didn’t want anything more then just friendship.. I was moving because of the divorce… But in the end I realized I wanted more and it was to late..


Is it that I am 25? That I have reached a quarter of a century? Or is it that I base so much of my self value on how much money I bring in and how much love I give, on how much I provide to another? And Now I Can’t do any of that for anyone but my son.. I want to show him how to have a happy relationship.. I want to show him how to be happy with someone for the rest of his life not How To Survive Alone..


And That need scares me at the same time.. Because no one seems to need me..

You know sometimes I never want to get married again. I look at every thing my marriage turned into and see no way any man could ever treat it the way they themselves wrote the vows. Then I wonder if I just have some mistaken version of what love is suppose to be. That if I hadn't been in love I wouldn't have been hurt so bad.. I spent all of yesterday filling out papers from the DA for child support because my ex has decided to start sending the state child support instead of me. This is after he told me he had switched my payments to a different account and hadn't. To me it feels like he is still trying to control me in what ever why he can. As if he can by telling me he'll give me a dollar for his hamburger (son) on Wednesday but instead is a peso and I have to run all over town for a place to exchange it and in the end I don't get near enough.

We all get there in different ways - but sometimes the stories are eerily similar. Just curious, how did you become a single parent?

Please share the story of how/why you're a single parent. Introduce yourself, let's get to know each other.

Here is my story..

I was 16 when I meet my ex husband in 1999 I was a good girl.. Oh course, I didn't know this at the time but I had turned into a challenge for him the moment he told me he wanted to sleep with me and I said I was a virgin and wouldn't sleep with him .. a couple months later we started dating, at the time I was being paid attention to and I felt loved.. about 6 months later We got engaged, at 16 I had a engagement ring..1 1/2 after we first meet we slept together for the first time.. He promised me the moon.. I got pregnant about 4 months after that and my Grandmother who I was living with at the time while going to college and working kicked me out.. I had to drop out of college and quite my job and Move in with him.. The kicker.. He moved and now lived 177 miles in Enumclaw WA from my home town Portland.. I get there and become really sick.. We get married about a month after I moved with money I had in savings from my job.. Yes my mother sign a release to let me get married so young.. It become impossible for me to work... He was making about 15bucks an hour working grave yard but we had no medical and I had never seen a DR.. I was sick to the point of going blind for 20mins randomly.. At 7 months I get on state medical coverage and they tell me I have lost 35lbs.. I still don't know why I was sick.. My grandmother told me I would lose my son.. My Husband freaks out at that point.. He joins the Navy and ships me home to my grandmother who now loves me again because I am married.. My husband leaves a couple days after I get back to Portland.. Till 2005 I think I have somehow won the love lottery.. I had a husband, the cutest son ever, a dog, a great career, a house, 2 motorcycles, and a truck.. I didn't have any wants.. My husband was shipped to Guam.. It was to be for 6 months.. Not long enough for me to go because it takes 3 months to get your dog out of quarantine and we had the house and I had my job.. So I stayed.. I was a member of myspace to keep in touch with my little sister in Portland.. I asked him to join.. His email came back saying he already had one..
My life changed.. It said he was a single guy in Guam that didn't LIKE kids.. That wouldn't turn down a relationship..I spent the next 3 months trying to figure it out without confronting him.. I even meet up with him in HI and we talked about how we could work on our relationship while he was away.. Then a friend who husband was also there told me he was staying a striper's house and not his.. Then his Myspace posted Pictures of a Girl wearing the top half of his cracker jacks and Nothing else.. I know it was his because you could read his name tag.. So I went to the Jag office and asked for a separation.. They said "They couldn't help me because my husband had already been there for that".. That meant he had gone before he left and realized He might need me in the states so he hadn't given me the papers.. So I went to a different base.. Filed for it then called him and told him.. He was due back in a couple weeks.. He told me he didn't want to come home.. It turns out he had meet a girl and was gonna try and tell the navy her and her kid was me and our kid and get them all moved back.. He went to Saipan on a cruise and got run over by a scooter.. I was the first one he called.. I don't know how much that call cost us.. It wasn't even a week after all these. I laughed after making sure he was okay.. When he got back to Guam he found out she had cheated on him. He served him right, Becasue our friends for years where coming to me and telling me about how long I had been cheated on.. But the worst came from him.. He had never loved me.. He was cheating on me when I got pregnant and only married me to do the right thing.. I tired to move forward with a divorce but he used the military he volunteered to stay overseas to avoid the courts.. I finally gave up my job, my house, my dog, and moved back to Portland.. It has been 3 1/2 years since I left him now and I just got divorced 3 months ago.. My son has seen his dad a total of 13 times in that time frame including our trip to HI.. When you can get him on the phone he lies about how next time well be different.. I am happy OR has that required parent class when you get divorced.. I toke it right after I left him in 2005.. But it helps to write things out. My son asks why we aren't with his dad.. and I only say his dad broke a promise to god and me..

Wow,

Today started out slow.. I woke up and Dominick was already supposed to be at school. Wonderful. My head was swimming and getting him up was a chore.. Mainly because I was pestering him. I feel sorry for the teacher because his meds where not in his system before he got there. Up and out the Door and I need to go get something for this cold otherwise I’d get nothing done today. You know one thing you don’t take into consideration when you move downtown… your moving away from the inexpensive grocery stores.

So Safeway here I come. It is my favorite and not near as expensive as some others but is it starting to get up there.. especially since they changed how all the stores look… That is corporate America for you.. They are now a total full service grocery store with a starbuck’s, deli serving fresh Chinese, American or great artisan sandwiches, florist, pharmacy, bakery, a card/gift card and gift isle, grocery delivery and even a bank. So a Safeway becomes more convenient and they start offering that easy little value card.. You know the one that tracks what you buy the most so that marketing people in your area know what to advertise locally to get you into a store, or even in your local paper or mailings… after a couple years they are remolding and we are all so use to our routines of going there for cheep good food that we no longer notice that it isn’t cheap.. I mean the place doesn’t even look cheap anymore.. It is as pretty as a Trader Joes and has about the same prices..One only really great thing has been their venture into the organic realm, that gives more choices to those of us that are allergic to some of the ingredients they put into pre packaged food.

Sorry.. So I am lost in the isles looking for Airborne, Ibuprofen, Soup and a new tooth brush for when the cold is gone. I found these Airborne Power Pixies, and easy way to get Dominick to take his Airborne, Last time I had him taking the kind that melts in the water he was all grumpy.. Anyways I am excited for him coming home and taking one. So I go get in line. Maybe it is the head cold but it feels like record time.

In Line; the kid in front of me.. I want to say kid but most likely he was older then me.. Anyways He is just as tired as me.. What is he getting? Chips, salsa and Hot sauce My Fav.. He is interesting. He wont look back at me.. Maybe he already looked. I am exhausted anyways… He has dark hair, a couple tattoos under his eyes.. The kind of thing the a Chickasaw warrior might have had.. work gloves on his hand.. a army surplus coat.. A story pops into my head.. I am thinking he must have just got off work from one of the cannery’s.. That he is going home to have a beer and needed a snack.. So He is getting helped and the lady scans his card but starts talking to me.. She isn’t interested.. She is ready to move on.. I tell her I am sick, She agrees and sniffs.. I point out the 40bucks of cold meds in my basket.. His card gets declined. I’ve had that happen.. In fact I have filled my cart with 70 bucks worth of stuff and checked out just to realize I didn’t even bring my card. Any ways he tells her to take out the hot sauce and then finds he is still 40 cents short.. He runs out to get the money, I am still confused as to what is happening she is scanning my stuff.. Anyways she says his food stamp card is new and got declined.. that it looks like he just got out of jail.. I say we all have hard times.. I’ll get his stuff.. Put the hot sauce back in.. It’ll be my good deed for the day. The Power of Marketing… I am visualizing that Charity commercial where the lady pays for the dry cleaning of the man in line behind her. I was hoping to be gone before he came back but it didn’t work out that way. He said thank you and I told him to have a good day. I donated a dollar to the breast cancer fund.. making everything 50bucks total… I couldn’t go straight home. I think it has been 3 weeks since I bought coffee.. So I got some of that and headed home.

So I get home and take my Airborne make myself some soup and seat down my daily online job hunt.

First I decide it is time to call the college and make an appointment. So on Friday I go in to talk with them about the online program and the Pharmacy Tech one.. Good for me huh?

I find a couple ads in the paper and send my Resume to those companies then look in my email. There I find that Keybank who which I applied for 2 teller positions yesterday has emailed me back. They want me to take a hour long Teller TryOut, It was a webinar training and very informative.. at the end they ask you 119 double multi choice questions…

Your answer are either Defiantly Me Or Somewhat me but they give you two questions..

You are rewarded for Hard work:: Defiantly Me/ Somewhat me / Somewhat me/ Defiantly Me :: You receive reward because of hard work and some luck

You thrive in a environment that is high pressure :: Defiantly Me/ Somewhat me / Somewhat me/ Defiantly Me :: You work better in a predictable environment.

People Should say what they mean :: Defiantly Me/ Somewhat me / Somewhat me/ Defiantly Me :: You are good at reading others emotions

You do what is required for your job :: Defiantly Me/ Somewhat me / Somewhat me/ Defiantly Me :: You do more than is required

The only thing is they really ask you those questions different ways 119 times..

I believe in working hard :: Defiantly Me/ Somewhat me / Somewhat me/ Defiantly Me :: I do what is require of my job.

You stay late to help others finish their jobs :: Defiantly Me/ Somewhat me / Somewhat me/ Defiantly Me :: You leave on time weather done or not

It was crazy… Anyways my hour over I submit is and take the dog out to run in the yard.. He’ll chase the ball but wont bring it back.. Weird… We come back in seat down again and I get a call.. It is Keybank. They Want to have a Phone interview tomorrow.. Cool Huh?

Well,
I need to be busy... The busier the better.. It has been so long since my life was truly full. and I'll never find that perfect balance again.. How do I know? Because for the last 3 years I have been looking. Under rocks, Behind locked doors, in empty hallways, All I catch is heartache.

When happiest I had filled my Life with work, my son, church, gym, writing and dog. Not to mention enjoying my new found freedom. But I did it all knowing in my head that I was young, cute, sexy, confident, smart, worthwhile, a rock under pressure yet still fragile under it all. I embraced the idea of dating. I had never done it before, had no clue what it was about. Dating turned out to be crap. and my daydreams of finding a man that valued me, that loved me the way I could love him, that wanted to share a life together become of so clear and fantasy.

Fast forward 3 years, I have lost my job. I find that I was funneling all my energy into something that I truly thought would never leave me. My career but here I stand alone again. Only this time... I don't have enough to fill my mind.
My Son takes more energy then ever , this becoming a normal part of life. My dog, I replaced *sigh* The Gym.. I can only look back on the days I had a membership with envy.. Church.. I don't pray to god at times like these. It would be false to return to church now that nothing is going right. Give me some trees and a hike to find my center again... Writing.. It has all but fled to the far reaches of my mind. Nothing has turned out like I had planed when I was 16. 9 years... All the things that can happen to a person in 9 years.. why am I the only person in the world that doesn't want to spend the rest of life actually alone. Maybe I am the only stubborn one still weakly struggling against the bonds of loneliness.

So I have come to a cross road. I left college to get married and bare my husbands son at 17. 25 now I am finally at a place where I can't accept that I might end up with a dead end job forever just to pay the bills. So I am looking at schools... wondering if driving to Portland each day would be insane.. Wondering if I still have the smarts to read a college level book.

But then there is so much I can do...
Should I finish getting my AAOT in Business, Should I become a dental hygienist, a pharmacist , a paralegal... All of this I'll hopefully be working part to full time and juggling my son and Dog.. Busy enough too not think about the things I feel like I need in my life.

Why do I run myself around in these circles anyways? for months now I have been single and happy. Yes maybe not happy like I want to be but mas o menos which is better then depressed. Now I avoid happiness.. and when a chance for it shows up on my door step I get excited for a couple minutes then realize why I am still alone. Yes I am cute, reliable, friendly, hard worker, a great cook, tender hearted and waiting to care but I easily put the women in me behind a closed door, She is so far locked away that I don't know if I'll ever been able to let her truly out. I keep finding the relationships that have no realistic potential because of one thing mainly: distance and go for those. I can truly say I have never dated a man that lived in the same town as me? Maybe it is the military left over in me, mostly I think it is me not wanting to give up my freedom. Becasue even though some part of me hopes for change; most of me knows nothing would ever change and for a couple weekends I might not be alone..
How long have I been doing this? I am at the point now I don't build hope..

Where there any real relationships I left behind?

Do I stay in those ones I know well fail for so long that I miss a real opportunity?

Well I ever been able to release my self from this cage again?